Out of the Mouths of Babes

We can't quite figure out what Ansley is going to be when she grows up. She has the ability to question a person like I have never seen. Even as a itty bitty thing she was talking and asking a million questions. She once talked for 3 solid hours on a road trip. Should I mention that she was barely two at the time?

She also loves to ask questions. Her favorite question is, "what is his/her name?" When you answer, she wants their middle and last name. She gets very annoyed at me when I don't know the name of the guy in the car beside us. There was a time that I would make up names for people. She caught on! Why does she have to be so smart??

She will also ask you the same question in a different way in order to catch you in lie. Like I said, she is smart.

She is very in touch with her feelings and the feelings of others.

Lately she has been talking a lot about Parker. She wants to spell his name (his full name). She tells me almost every day that she misses him. I think she feels how emotional I become when she talks about him. She almost always speaks about him like he is sleeping right there in the room.

I tell you all of this so you will understand what happened today.

Today, we had both of the boys. Ansley was the first one up from nap and was super excited about our afternoon activity. She finally asked to go wake up the others. We woke up Charlotte first.

Charlotte was in a great mood (which has not been the case these last few days). Ansley, Charlotte, E and I were laying in the bed playing. I was doing "super baby" with Little E. He was high above my head when I heard the following: "Mommy, when you get to Heaven you can do that with Parker!! Won't that be wonderful and fun? That will make you very happy!"

Love that sweet love that she has for her brother. The brother she never knew, yet she speaks like they have been friends forever. I love that she knows. I couldn't imagine loving her any more than I already do, but I love her more every day!!

Psalm 10

At church, I help out in a 9th grade girls' Sunday School class. This class is fun and challenging. I don't really teach a lot, but I do help the teacher out when she needs me. This week, she needed me!

I was so excited about teaching the class. We usually have a lot of good discussions and I think it is great for the girls to hear someone different. When she asked me to teach I immediately said, "Yes!"

I probably should have looked at the lesson first. Yeah, that would have been smart. If I would have read the lesson, I would have told her NO. But, silly me!

This past week was really busy, so I did not even look at the lesson until teacher's prep on Wednesday night. **Note to self, always read the lesson before Wednesday.** That is the first time I discovered the topic.

I was supposed to teach on Psalm 10. Have you read Psalm 10?

Basically, the author is asking God "Where are you? Why are you hiding?"

I sat in the meeting and listened. I took notes. I was screaming on the inside. "You have got to be joking!! I have got to teach on God's perfect timing?" I left crying. I lost my shoe trying to get out of there.

In our heads we all know that there is a time and a place for everything. God has His perfect will. My heart even tells me that is true. But waiting is a very difficult truth to grasp. At least it is for me right now!

This has been an extremely difficult week. I spent most of the week praying for something and the answer has been clearly "NOT NOW, KENAN!" We had an open house today and it rained! Another, NOT NOW moment. I have cried and prayed. I am surely living the Psalm 10 passage.

Do you know what is great about this passage? Our God is the King of Kings! He is Holy and Just!

Every week we try to send the girls home with a challenge. This week the challenge is to pray back what we believe about God. This practice is so we may remember how wonderful and merciful God is. This challenge is for me!

God is patient with me even when I am not patient with Him!

Rough Patch

I know it has only been two weeks. But these have been the fastest two weeks and the slowest at the same time. I feel like my life changed dramatically so fast that it is hard to breath.

Many people keep asking me how I am doing.

Physically, I am fine.
Emotionally, it depends on when you ask (beware, you may get a laugh, a tear, or a punch in the face...jk...I think).

I have heard that all the emotions are perfectly normal. I sure hope this is not my new "normal". I do not like it at all. I have always been someone who was pretty steady (I say "pretty steady" because I can have a temper). These "ups and downs" are driving me crazy.

I know, I have told Cole at least 10 times that I feel like I am going crazy. It is hard to put these feelings in words. I am sad, happy, and angry at the same time. There have been many time I have been sitting in the living room perfectly fine and all of a sudden get the urge to run into the street screaming and pulling out my hair. I told you....CRAZY!!

Something silly may make me cry. Like today, I remembered that next month is February. We were supposed to find out Parker's gender the week after Valentine's Day. All day, just hearing February or Valentines makes me tear-up. But, while I am teary, I may burst out in laughter at something the girls said or did.

I am so thankful for a very good friend who just listened today. She knows exactly what I need to hear and knows exactly when I need her to listen. And sadly she knows my pain.

I don't tell you these things for you to feel sorry for me. I am trying to be perfectly honest with you all.

I have found the most support in women who have also been through a miscarriage. I am so thankful that some of these women have shared their stories with me.

Why share my grief and craziness? Because I know there will be someone who reads this that will go through this exact same thing. If what we have experienced will help someone, I am glad to share.

One last thing before I stop my rambling:

Read these words out loud! They have given me such comfort.

Psalm 139:13-16

For you created my inmost being;

you knit me together in my mother's womb.

I praise you because i am fearfully and wonderfully made;

You works are wonderful, I know that full well.

MY FRAME WAS NOT HIDDEN FROM YOU

WHEN I WAS MADE IN THE SECRET PLACE.

WHEN I WAS WOVEN TOGETHER IN THE DEPTHS OF THE EARTH,

YOUR EYES SAW MY UNFORMED BODY.

ALL THE DAYS ORDAINED FOR ME WERE WRITTEN IN YOUR BOOK

BEFORE ONE CAME TO BE.

I know Parker came to this earth to teach me something. I just have to be willing and open to listen to the lesson being taught. Today, I read "When you are down to nothing, God is up to something."

And that gives me hope!

Overwhelmed

Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

I was so nervous about posting about our miscarriage. I was nervous because no one talks about these things. They are hush-hush!

Sometimes, it seems that people are ashamed. I needed everyone to know that I am not ashamed. I am not ashamed of my baby or my body! I am not angry at them either!

I want all of my friends to know and feel the love that I have for our Parker! And that is exactly what happened!

Thank you so much for the words of support! You may never know how encouraged I have been after reading your words. I have read them many times. I will probably read them many more times. I am also appreciative of the women who have shared your stories. I know they are painful, but it helps knowing that we are not alone.

A friend of mine also lost a baby over Christmas. She had a few moments with Ansley the other day and told her that our babies were playing at the feet of Jesus. They are blowing bubbles and chasing butterflies. And if they happen to get upset or miss us, Jesus rocks them tenderly in His loving arms. "Our baby has a friend!" Those words filled Ansley with joy. She is acting like her old self again. She is smiling more and behaving better. But those words stuck with me! They gave me an image to cling to. So now when I dream about my sweet Parker, I see him in a field playing with the other children. I imagine it like a spring day with green grass and wildflowers. Children are laughing and playing at Jesus' feet while He rocks sweet babies in His strong arms.

I may be totally wrong with those images, but they are comfort to my soul.

(I googled "Jesus with children playing" and this was the first image! Chills! He knows our hearts!)

We are having more good times than bad. We find ourselves smiling more. We find ourselves looking to the future. We know that we will have many more bad times. But our strength is not in ourselves, but in the Lord.