Psalm 10

At church, I help out in a 9th grade girls' Sunday School class. This class is fun and challenging. I don't really teach a lot, but I do help the teacher out when she needs me. This week, she needed me!

I was so excited about teaching the class. We usually have a lot of good discussions and I think it is great for the girls to hear someone different. When she asked me to teach I immediately said, "Yes!"

I probably should have looked at the lesson first. Yeah, that would have been smart. If I would have read the lesson, I would have told her NO. But, silly me!

This past week was really busy, so I did not even look at the lesson until teacher's prep on Wednesday night. **Note to self, always read the lesson before Wednesday.** That is the first time I discovered the topic.

I was supposed to teach on Psalm 10. Have you read Psalm 10?

Basically, the author is asking God "Where are you? Why are you hiding?"

I sat in the meeting and listened. I took notes. I was screaming on the inside. "You have got to be joking!! I have got to teach on God's perfect timing?" I left crying. I lost my shoe trying to get out of there.

In our heads we all know that there is a time and a place for everything. God has His perfect will. My heart even tells me that is true. But waiting is a very difficult truth to grasp. At least it is for me right now!

This has been an extremely difficult week. I spent most of the week praying for something and the answer has been clearly "NOT NOW, KENAN!" We had an open house today and it rained! Another, NOT NOW moment. I have cried and prayed. I am surely living the Psalm 10 passage.

Do you know what is great about this passage? Our God is the King of Kings! He is Holy and Just!

Every week we try to send the girls home with a challenge. This week the challenge is to pray back what we believe about God. This practice is so we may remember how wonderful and merciful God is. This challenge is for me!

God is patient with me even when I am not patient with Him!

Spring Update!

What an absolutely beautiful time of year!! I love the spring. Winter is so blah! Everything is gray and brown. But just look around now!! Everything is green and growing. I think God must give us winter so we can truly  appreciate the beauty of spring!

I imagine spring at our house looks like spring in most houses. We plant a lot of flowers and a number of vegetables. The grass is growing extremely fast (thanks to my "yard man" and a lot of fertilizer). Cole and I have a pretty good deal. He does all the grass stuff and I do all the flower stuff. This time of year is really busy for me, but he is out in the hot summer sun. So I guess we are even! :)

The house is still on the market, but it is showing rather nicely. The feedback we have received is all a matter of taste. For example: "the yard is to small". Well, there is nothing I can do about that. I truly believe that God is telling our family that it isn't about us, but about Him.

We continue to ride through the country looking at houses and land. Dreaming and making plans like we will be forever young. I assume we will always look at ourselves like young people. Even though my oldest loves to remind me that "this year I turn five and that makes you sad".

When Cole and I married, we told everyone that we would have babies until we turned 30, but we wanted to be done by then. Wow, how things have changed! We now understand how fragile life is. We also have a new appreciation for the plan of God. It was music to my ears when just yesterday I heard my sweet husband say that he wanted more kids. Not just one more, but more. And when questioned about more girls, he simply replied "It doesn't matter to me, just more!" He sure know how to make my heart smile.

So we have been keeping on keeping on. Trying to raise our babies to love the Lord and grow them and ourselves in every way. We are truly grateful for some amazing friends and family. There are have many moments of tears and questions, but we have some amazing friends who have held our hands and wiped our tears. We are now learning to smile through heartache, because Jesus lives and Jesus loves!

New Normal

Well, I think we are finally starting to settle into our "new normal". By that, I mean we are getting into a good routine. People can stop by without me flipping out (on the inside) because the house isn't clean. My brain is focused (somewhat).

Things around here have changed a lot!! Since we lost Parker, I have cleaned like a mad person. I never saw myself as a stress cleaner. I have always loved organizing my junk, but never really liked cleaning. However, we have cleaned and organized every room in the house including the attic.

We are finally back on track with school. I had horrible sickness when I was pregnant, so school got pushed back. Then we had Thanksgiving and Christmas and school was pushed back. Then our world was rocked and school was pushed back. But, we are finally back on schedule. We will have to do school during the summer and that is okay. This is one of the wonderful things about homeschooling. When life comes up, we can push it to another day. When it is 100 degrees this summer, we can catch up. Also, Ansley is only supposed to be in 3K. We did 3K last year and 4K this year. She should be reading independently by summer. She is doing such a good job. I am very proud of her!

Cole and I also learned that there is no reason to put off our dreams. Many times as parents, we have put ourselves on the back burner. We have said, "Oh, we will do it when the girls are bigger." But God gave us a wake-up call. We are not promised another day. He has taught us that life is short. So we are going ahead with a dream we have talked for a LONG time. We put our house on the market and decided to build our country dream. Why not? The house has never been cleaner! ;)

We are very excited about this process. We are excited about the lifestyle we will be able to share with our girls. We are excited about the things to come.  God has taught us so much! We are so glad to hear what he is teaching us!

Update!

Well, it has been exactly one month since our world completely changed. I have had many people tell me that it will never be the same. And I totally believe them.

Cole and I are in a good place right now. We have started making plans for the future. We are staying as busy as we can. We have organized closets, cleaned out the attic, and painted the front door and shutters (not to mention the swing). It is nice to have projects on hand. I am running out of projects. So now, I am inventing them. For example: there is a little bit of paint flaking from the air return. So I am going to paint it. School isn't running as smoothly as I would like, so I am making a strict schedule (which I have already done). Anything to stay busy!!

The girls are doing great. Ansley still rubs my belly and asks questions. Her favorite is, "Mommy, when will you have another baby in your belly?" I don't have an answer for that one. I simply tell her that Jesus knows the answer and we will have to wait on Him. She talks about Parker playing in a field of flowers chasing butterflies. I love to hear her talk about him like she knows him personally. It is almost like they talk daily. :)

Physically, I am doing good! We finally heard from the doctors and there is no known cause of the miscarriage. That is pretty good news. It means no cancer (which is always a possibility with a miscarriage). I made it through the followup appointment without throwing up. I was so nervous about being in that office. I had to go there without Cole a week ago and thought I was going to have a panic attack. I was so glad I decided to take Charlotte with me. If not, I am sure it would have been much worse. It was once a place of wonder and joy. Now it is kinda scary. The nurses and doctors are wonderful and I love them. They have gone out of their way to make us feel at ease. They are still walking on pins and needles around us. But I can't blame them.

Many people keep asking us about when we will start trying to have another baby. There is no trying. If the pregnancy with Parker has taught me anything it is, there is a time for everything. God will bless us again, if He sees fit. We will simply let God work in His perfect timing.

A good friend let me borrow a book yesterday. She has gone through a similar trial. The book is called "Mommy, please don't cry" by Kinda DeYmaz. The book was beyond sweet. It is about Heaven written from a child's point of view. The last two pages are the sweetest words:

"Someday, Mommy, we will hold each other tight!

Then you will cradle me in your arms,

and stroke my hair...

And once again, our

hearts will 

beat together.

Mommy, please 

don't cry...

I'll wait right

here for you."

I don't cry as much right now. I celebrate the life that I was given to hold. And that I am thankful for!

Rough Patch

I know it has only been two weeks. But these have been the fastest two weeks and the slowest at the same time. I feel like my life changed dramatically so fast that it is hard to breath.

Many people keep asking me how I am doing.

Physically, I am fine.
Emotionally, it depends on when you ask (beware, you may get a laugh, a tear, or a punch in the face...jk...I think).

I have heard that all the emotions are perfectly normal. I sure hope this is not my new "normal". I do not like it at all. I have always been someone who was pretty steady (I say "pretty steady" because I can have a temper). These "ups and downs" are driving me crazy.

I know, I have told Cole at least 10 times that I feel like I am going crazy. It is hard to put these feelings in words. I am sad, happy, and angry at the same time. There have been many time I have been sitting in the living room perfectly fine and all of a sudden get the urge to run into the street screaming and pulling out my hair. I told you....CRAZY!!

Something silly may make me cry. Like today, I remembered that next month is February. We were supposed to find out Parker's gender the week after Valentine's Day. All day, just hearing February or Valentines makes me tear-up. But, while I am teary, I may burst out in laughter at something the girls said or did.

I am so thankful for a very good friend who just listened today. She knows exactly what I need to hear and knows exactly when I need her to listen. And sadly she knows my pain.

I don't tell you these things for you to feel sorry for me. I am trying to be perfectly honest with you all.

I have found the most support in women who have also been through a miscarriage. I am so thankful that some of these women have shared their stories with me.

Why share my grief and craziness? Because I know there will be someone who reads this that will go through this exact same thing. If what we have experienced will help someone, I am glad to share.

One last thing before I stop my rambling:

Read these words out loud! They have given me such comfort.

Psalm 139:13-16

For you created my inmost being;

you knit me together in my mother's womb.

I praise you because i am fearfully and wonderfully made;

You works are wonderful, I know that full well.

MY FRAME WAS NOT HIDDEN FROM YOU

WHEN I WAS MADE IN THE SECRET PLACE.

WHEN I WAS WOVEN TOGETHER IN THE DEPTHS OF THE EARTH,

YOUR EYES SAW MY UNFORMED BODY.

ALL THE DAYS ORDAINED FOR ME WERE WRITTEN IN YOUR BOOK

BEFORE ONE CAME TO BE.

I know Parker came to this earth to teach me something. I just have to be willing and open to listen to the lesson being taught. Today, I read "When you are down to nothing, God is up to something."

And that gives me hope!

Overwhelmed

Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

I was so nervous about posting about our miscarriage. I was nervous because no one talks about these things. They are hush-hush!

Sometimes, it seems that people are ashamed. I needed everyone to know that I am not ashamed. I am not ashamed of my baby or my body! I am not angry at them either!

I want all of my friends to know and feel the love that I have for our Parker! And that is exactly what happened!

Thank you so much for the words of support! You may never know how encouraged I have been after reading your words. I have read them many times. I will probably read them many more times. I am also appreciative of the women who have shared your stories. I know they are painful, but it helps knowing that we are not alone.

A friend of mine also lost a baby over Christmas. She had a few moments with Ansley the other day and told her that our babies were playing at the feet of Jesus. They are blowing bubbles and chasing butterflies. And if they happen to get upset or miss us, Jesus rocks them tenderly in His loving arms. "Our baby has a friend!" Those words filled Ansley with joy. She is acting like her old self again. She is smiling more and behaving better. But those words stuck with me! They gave me an image to cling to. So now when I dream about my sweet Parker, I see him in a field playing with the other children. I imagine it like a spring day with green grass and wildflowers. Children are laughing and playing at Jesus' feet while He rocks sweet babies in His strong arms.

I may be totally wrong with those images, but they are comfort to my soul.

(I googled "Jesus with children playing" and this was the first image! Chills! He knows our hearts!)

We are having more good times than bad. We find ourselves smiling more. We find ourselves looking to the future. We know that we will have many more bad times. But our strength is not in ourselves, but in the Lord.

It was the best of times...or so we thought

I had it all figured out (that was my first mistake). We would be pregnant by January and have our third baby before the end of 2012.

November of 2011 came around and so did the sickness. Cole looked at me and said "you have got to be kidding me!" We both knew. So much for trying. We were already pregnant. And we were beyond happy!!

Even though we knew in our hearts, I still waited a few weeks before I took a test. The test clearly showed two beautiful blue lines.

I put the test and a note on the mirror for Cole to find. It read, "Way to go Daddy-o x 3!"

All we could do is laugh and question our sanity. :)

My sister made the official announcement to our entire family that she was expecting at Thanksgiving Dinner. We told our immediate family Thanksgiving night! They, too, were shocked. A baby in June and one in July. What a busy (hot) summer we were going to have. And how exciting to be pregnant with your sister.

Finally, at 8 weeks I called the doctors and we got a beautiful clear picture of our third little miracle. That was a few weeks before Christmas. The doctor said the baby looked a little bigger than what I had calculated, but hey we had a 7 lb 15 oz baby 10 days early and a 8 lb. 14 oz. baby a week early. So we are use to big babies!!

I decided that the perfect time to tell the girls was on Christmas. We set out three beautiful stockings and on Christmas morning they were full of goodies. After the girls had dug through all their little trinkets, I pointed out that there was still one stocking hanging on the mantel.

I quickly took it down and handed it to Ansley. She pulled out the things inside. They included the beautiful ultrasound picture and a few baby toys. She was not impressed. Actually, her words were "Do we really need another baby?" She was NOT happy about it at all. That morning at Christmas service, we told a handful of people. We were very excited. I was very nervous about telling people.

Our first family picture!

It took me a few days to convince Ansley that this baby was a gift from Jesus, just like her and Charlotte. This baby wasn't MY baby, but it was OUR baby. This precious baby was already apart of our family. She loved that the baby was her baby, too. It did not take long before she was rubbing and kissing my belly. Oh how that filled me with joy.

Just the thought of three babies filled me with joy. I have always wanted to be a mommy. I always knew I wouldn't just have one or two. I wanted many children. I use to tell people that I wanted a litter. :) Now we were well on the way.

The sickness continued, but seemed to be less and less. I was happy to be entering the second trimester. I finally had some engergy and was beginning the nesting phase. This has always been my favorite phase of pregnancy. We got alot done. Closets were organized. Everything had been scrubbed. We dropped many loads at Goodwill. Those are some of my favorite things to do.

Finally, January 10th came around. I was going to hear the sound of my precious baby. Cole wasn't supposed to be at this appointment, but his schedule had cleared. We were going to hear this one together. We were so excited. We chatted with the other moms in the waiting room. Joked about having to wait so long. Talked about how we could make it Facebook official that afternoon. Marveled that I had not gained any weight. Just then the doctor walked in and the fun was to begin. Doctors appointments always give me the jitters, but today I was flat out nervous.

She placed the cold Dopler on my belly and there was nothing. She told me that was normal at this stage in pregnancy. I grew more nervous. We went to the ultrasound room. We waited. We were joking but even more nervous. She came in. She ran the machine. There was nothing. Her words were, "I see your fetus, but I am having trouble finding the heartbeat. The ultrasound tech is here. I will send you over to her and she will look. She is much better at this than I am." The machine is old and not one they use everyday.

We sat in the waiting room. Tears ran down my face. The tech came in. She is a distant cousin of mine. We chatted. Trying to stay possitive. But I knew. She looked. There was my sweet baby. But there was no sound. No flicker. No life. I began to fill empty. To feel like someone was wadding me up like a peice of paper about to be thrown away. She began clicking. She was taking measurements. I could not keep it in anymore. With ultrasound junk still on my belly, I rolled into the fetal position and cried like I have never cried before. All she could do is say she was so sorry. I felt so sorry for her at that time. Who would want to experience that time after time? Not me!!

We went back into the doctor's office to talk with the doctor about what was going to happen now. My world was spinning. The baby had been gone for weeks. Actually, right after the last ultrasound. She was shocked that I had not had any symptoms. A procedure would be preformed in the morning. My mom arrived. We cried. We needed to go to the hospital and register. We were like robots. We did like we were told.

 I cried. I cried alot.

We arrived at the hospital and the room was FULL! We knew we had a wait in front of us. We found the only seats that were together. A lady that was waiting across from us brought me some tissues. I was very thankful. The lady beside us asked us if she could pray with us. Of course, my mom said yes! The lady started telling us that she was going to start cancer treatment. She kept telling me, "You will live! You will live!" My insides were screaming, "But my baby is dead!!" I have never wanted to punch a perfect stranger in the face before, but I sure was about to punch her. I looked at Cole and told him to shut her up, before I did. The rage and anger shocked me. Finally, she stopped. Thankfully, she stopped!

A few hours later we left the hospital with orders to be back at 5:30. We came home. The girls went to my mom's house. I was physically sick. My head was about to split. Cole begged me to eat. I ate. I cried. I slept. That night we had to prepare for the next day. I gathered the girls' clothes, blankets, stuffed animals. We went to my mom's house for dinner. I ate and tried to act like everything was alright. Ansley could see right through me.

Ansley kept asked what was wrong. Was the baby okay? I pulled her into the front room and told her that our baby was sick. Our baby was very sick and was now in the arms our Jesus. Jesus was going to take care of our baby. She was mad. She wanted to know if she was going to be able to see the baby. I told her that none of us were. She asked if she would be able to hold our baby. I told her that none of us would ever be able to do that. She wanted to know why Meme got to keep her baby and ours had to go back to be with Jesus. I could not answer that question. She cried. We cried together. It gave her comfort knowing that Jesus was going to make sure our baby was taken care of. She heard something in the other room and left. I cried even more. That was the hardest thing in the world to tell my precious four year old.

We went home, I didn't sleep. I watched the clock. I prayed that it would slow down. I held my belly wishing that I could hold my baby a little bit longer. The alarm clock went off. I cried harder. I was mad at the alarm clock. I stayed in bed and held my belly longer. Maybe, I could love this baby back. I finally made myself get up. We dressed. We arrived 30 minutes late. Neither of us cared.

They put us in the room. Everyone was nice. IV started. Procedure explained. My regular doctor came in. I cried more. She explained everything again. I held my belly, my baby. One of the nurses came in to explain my medication I was fixing to receive. She was joking around. I was ready to knock her out. Wow! There is the anger again! We made it into the O.R. and she was joking again. On the inside I was screaming at her! "Shutup! Shutup! Shutup! Shutup!" But the words would not come out of my mouth. The drugs were working. I dreamed I was being kidnapped. I remember thinking that I watch to many CSI like shows. I was out.

Everything was over and we were home by 10:30. I slept all day. Praise the Lord for those hours of sleep. No pain. No nothing. I was empty. Some friends dropped some food off. I was so relieved to see someone who had been through the same pain I was feeling. We cried together.

The girls came home the next day. I have never been so happy to see those two blonde heads and those blue eyes. I have never been so confused in my life. I was alone with my children and did not know what to do. A friend brought lunch and then it was naptime! Soon after, Cole came home and I could breath again. People came and went. I cried more and more. The girls went to bed. I took a shower and cried. I cried loud and hard. Afterward, I felt alittle better. When we finally climbed into bed, we cried more. I wondered if the crying would ever stopped.

It has been a week since all that happened. I don't have good days and bad days. I have good momments and bad momments. I have been extremely angry. I am not angry at God. I am angry when people say stupid things. I have been angry about stupid stuff, like the lady that refused to open the bathroom door.

I have been sad. I am so sad that I will never hold my sweet baby in my arms. I am sad that I will never see him walk or hear his voice. I am sad that he will never see his sisters and they will never see him.

I do know he is in heaven with Jesus. I know that for some reason we have been given this burden to carry. I hate this burden. I know my husband is the best man I have ever known. I know that God gave him to me because I needed him. He is my rock. There have been so many times that I have literally felt that I was spinning, but he calms me. He knows what I need to hear.

I have had a hard time reading my Bible, but my prayers have never been so honest or real in my life. Even without reading my Bible, the scripture keeps coming. They come from the Bible memory I did as a child, through a friend, or even a card. The Lord knows me. He knows my pain. He is with me and I am so thankful that I am not walking this road alone. He also knows our baby. He knows us by name. He knows the hairs on our heads. He feels our pain. He heals our pain.

Our baby's name is Parker Quinn Granger.

He is with Jesus and heaven has never seemed sweeter.