Thursday, February 9, 2012


Well, it has been exactly one month since our world completely changed. I have had many people tell me that it will never be the same. And I totally believe them.

Cole and I are in a good place right now. We have started making plans for the future. We are staying as busy as we can. We have organized closets, cleaned out the attic, and painted the front door and shutters (not to mention the swing). It is nice to have projects on hand. I am running out of projects. So now, I am inventing them. For example: there is a little bit of paint flaking from the air return. So I am going to paint it. School isn't running as smoothly as I would like, so I am making a strict schedule (which I have already done). Anything to stay busy!!

The girls are doing great. Ansley still rubs my belly and asks questions. Her favorite is, "Mommy, when will you have another baby in your belly?" I don't have an answer for that one. I simply tell her that Jesus knows the answer and we will have to wait on Him. She talks about Parker playing in a field of flowers chasing butterflies. I love to hear her talk about him like she knows him personally. It is almost like they talk daily. :)

Physically, I am doing good! We finally heard from the doctors and there is no known cause of the miscarriage. That is pretty good news. It means no cancer (which is always a possibility with a miscarriage). I made it through the followup appointment without throwing up. I was so nervous about being in that office. I had to go there without Cole a week ago and thought I was going to have a panic attack. I was so glad I decided to take Charlotte with me. If not, I am sure it would have been much worse. It was once a place of wonder and joy. Now it is kinda scary. The nurses and doctors are wonderful and I love them. They have gone out of their way to make us feel at ease. They are still walking on pins and needles around us. But I can't blame them.

Many people keep asking us about when we will start trying to have another baby. There is no trying. If the pregnancy with Parker has taught me anything it is, there is a time for everything. God will bless us again, if He sees fit. We will simply let God work in His perfect timing.

A good friend let me borrow a book yesterday. She has gone through a similar trial. The book is called "Mommy, please don't cry" by Kinda DeYmaz. The book was beyond sweet. It is about Heaven written from a child's point of view. The last two pages are the sweetest words:

"Someday, Mommy, we will hold each other tight!
Then you will cradle me in your arms,
and stroke my hair...
And once again, our
hearts will 
beat together.

Mommy, please 
don't cry...
I'll wait right
here for you."

I don't cry as much right now. I celebrate the life that I was given to hold. And that I am thankful for!