Many people keep asking me how I am doing.
Physically, I am fine.
Emotionally, it depends on when you ask (beware, you may get a laugh, a tear, or a punch in the face...jk...I think).
I have heard that all the emotions are perfectly normal. I sure hope this is not my new "normal". I do not like it at all. I have always been someone who was pretty steady (I say "pretty steady" because I can have a temper). These "ups and downs" are driving me crazy.
I know, I have told Cole at least 10 times that I feel like I am going crazy. It is hard to put these feelings in words. I am sad, happy, and angry at the same time. There have been many time I have been sitting in the living room perfectly fine and all of a sudden get the urge to run into the street screaming and pulling out my hair. I told you....CRAZY!!
Something silly may make me cry. Like today, I remembered that next month is February. We were supposed to find out Parker's gender the week after Valentine's Day. All day, just hearing February or Valentines makes me tear-up. But, while I am teary, I may burst out in laughter at something the girls said or did.
I am so thankful for a very good friend who just listened today. She knows exactly what I need to hear and knows exactly when I need her to listen. And sadly she knows my pain.
I don't tell you these things for you to feel sorry for me. I am trying to be perfectly honest with you all.
I have found the most support in women who have also been through a miscarriage. I am so thankful that some of these women have shared their stories with me.
Why share my grief and craziness? Because I know there will be someone who reads this that will go through this exact same thing. If what we have experienced will help someone, I am glad to share.
One last thing before I stop my rambling:
Read these words out loud! They have given me such comfort.
For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.
I praise you because i am fearfully and wonderfully made;
You works are wonderful, I know that full well.
MY FRAME WAS NOT HIDDEN FROM YOU
WHEN I WAS MADE IN THE SECRET PLACE.
WHEN I WAS WOVEN TOGETHER IN THE DEPTHS OF THE EARTH,
YOUR EYES SAW MY UNFORMED BODY.
ALL THE DAYS ORDAINED FOR ME WERE WRITTEN IN YOUR BOOK
BEFORE ONE CAME TO BE.
I know Parker came to this earth to teach me something. I just have to be willing and open to listen to the lesson being taught. Today, I read "When you are down to nothing, God is up to something."
And that gives me hope!