Thursday, January 26, 2012

Rough Patch

I know it has only been two weeks. But these have been the fastest two weeks and the slowest at the same time. I feel like my life changed dramatically so fast that it is hard to breath.

Many people keep asking me how I am doing.

Physically, I am fine.
Emotionally, it depends on when you ask (beware, you may get a laugh, a tear, or a punch in the face...jk...I think).

I have heard that all the emotions are perfectly normal. I sure hope this is not my new "normal". I do not like it at all. I have always been someone who was pretty steady (I say "pretty steady" because I can have a temper). These "ups and downs" are driving me crazy.

I know, I have told Cole at least 10 times that I feel like I am going crazy. It is hard to put these feelings in words. I am sad, happy, and angry at the same time. There have been many time I have been sitting in the living room perfectly fine and all of a sudden get the urge to run into the street screaming and pulling out my hair. I told you....CRAZY!!

Something silly may make me cry. Like today, I remembered that next month is February. We were supposed to find out Parker's gender the week after Valentine's Day. All day, just hearing February or Valentines makes me tear-up. But, while I am teary, I may burst out in laughter at something the girls said or did.

I am so thankful for a very good friend who just listened today. She knows exactly what I need to hear and knows exactly when I need her to listen. And sadly she knows my pain.

I don't tell you these things for you to feel sorry for me. I am trying to be perfectly honest with you all.

I have found the most support in women who have also been through a miscarriage. I am so thankful that some of these women have shared their stories with me.

Why share my grief and craziness? Because I know there will be someone who reads this that will go through this exact same thing. If what we have experienced will help someone, I am glad to share.

One last thing before I stop my rambling:

Read these words out loud! They have given me such comfort.

Psalm 139:13-16

For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.
I praise you because i am fearfully and wonderfully made;
You works are wonderful, I know that full well.

I know Parker came to this earth to teach me something. I just have to be willing and open to listen to the lesson being taught. Today, I read "When you are down to nothing, God is up to something."

And that gives me hope!

Saturday, January 21, 2012


Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

I was so nervous about posting about our miscarriage. I was nervous because no one talks about these things. They are hush-hush!

Sometimes, it seems that people are ashamed. I needed everyone to know that I am not ashamed. I am not ashamed of my baby or my body! I am not angry at them either!

I want all of my friends to know and feel the love that I have for our Parker! And that is exactly what happened!

Thank you so much for the words of support! You may never know how encouraged I have been after reading your words. I have read them many times. I will probably read them many more times. I am also appreciative of the women who have shared your stories. I know they are painful, but it helps knowing that we are not alone.

A friend of mine also lost a baby over Christmas. She had a few moments with Ansley the other day and told her that our babies were playing at the feet of Jesus. They are blowing bubbles and chasing butterflies. And if they happen to get upset or miss us, Jesus rocks them tenderly in His loving arms. "Our baby has a friend!" Those words filled Ansley with joy. She is acting like her old self again. She is smiling more and behaving better. But those words stuck with me! They gave me an image to cling to. So now when I dream about my sweet Parker, I see him in a field playing with the other children. I imagine it like a spring day with green grass and wildflowers. Children are laughing and playing at Jesus' feet while He rocks sweet babies in His strong arms.

I may be totally wrong with those images, but they are comfort to my soul.

(I googled "Jesus with children playing" and this was the first image! Chills! He knows our hearts!)

We are having more good times than bad. We find ourselves smiling more. We find ourselves looking to the future. We know that we will have many more bad times. But our strength is not in ourselves, but in the Lord.

Thursday, January 19, 2012

It was the best of times...or so we thought

I had it all figured out (that was my first mistake). We would be pregnant by January and have our third baby before the end of 2012.

November of 2011 came around and so did the sickness. Cole looked at me and said "you have got to be kidding me!" We both knew. So much for trying. We were already pregnant. And we were beyond happy!!

Even though we knew in our hearts, I still waited a few weeks before I took a test. The test clearly showed two beautiful blue lines.
I put the test and a note on the mirror for Cole to find. It read, "Way to go Daddy-o x 3!"
All we could do is laugh and question our sanity. :)

My sister made the official announcement to our entire family that she was expecting at Thanksgiving Dinner. We told our immediate family Thanksgiving night! They, too, were shocked. A baby in June and one in July. What a busy (hot) summer we were going to have. And how exciting to be pregnant with your sister.

Finally, at 8 weeks I called the doctors and we got a beautiful clear picture of our third little miracle. That was a few weeks before Christmas. The doctor said the baby looked a little bigger than what I had calculated, but hey we had a 7 lb 15 oz baby 10 days early and a 8 lb. 14 oz. baby a week early. So we are use to big babies!!

I decided that the perfect time to tell the girls was on Christmas. We set out three beautiful stockings and on Christmas morning they were full of goodies. After the girls had dug through all their little trinkets, I pointed out that there was still one stocking hanging on the mantel.

I quickly took it down and handed it to Ansley. She pulled out the things inside. They included the beautiful ultrasound picture and a few baby toys. She was not impressed. Actually, her words were "Do we really need another baby?" She was NOT happy about it at all. That morning at Christmas service, we told a handful of people. We were very excited. I was very nervous about telling people.

Our first family picture!

It took me a few days to convince Ansley that this baby was a gift from Jesus, just like her and Charlotte. This baby wasn't MY baby, but it was OUR baby. This precious baby was already apart of our family. She loved that the baby was her baby, too. It did not take long before she was rubbing and kissing my belly. Oh how that filled me with joy.

Just the thought of three babies filled me with joy. I have always wanted to be a mommy. I always knew I wouldn't just have one or two. I wanted many children. I use to tell people that I wanted a litter. :) Now we were well on the way.

The sickness continued, but seemed to be less and less. I was happy to be entering the second trimester. I finally had some engergy and was beginning the nesting phase. This has always been my favorite phase of pregnancy. We got alot done. Closets were organized. Everything had been scrubbed. We dropped many loads at Goodwill. Those are some of my favorite things to do.

Finally, January 10th came around. I was going to hear the sound of my precious baby. Cole wasn't supposed to be at this appointment, but his schedule had cleared. We were going to hear this one together. We were so excited. We chatted with the other moms in the waiting room. Joked about having to wait so long. Talked about how we could make it Facebook official that afternoon. Marveled that I had not gained any weight. Just then the doctor walked in and the fun was to begin. Doctors appointments always give me the jitters, but today I was flat out nervous.

She placed the cold Dopler on my belly and there was nothing. She told me that was normal at this stage in pregnancy. I grew more nervous. We went to the ultrasound room. We waited. We were joking but even more nervous. She came in. She ran the machine. There was nothing. Her words were, "I see your fetus, but I am having trouble finding the heartbeat. The ultrasound tech is here. I will send you over to her and she will look. She is much better at this than I am." The machine is old and not one they use everyday.

We sat in the waiting room. Tears ran down my face. The tech came in. She is a distant cousin of mine. We chatted. Trying to stay possitive. But I knew. She looked. There was my sweet baby. But there was no sound. No flicker. No life. I began to fill empty. To feel like someone was wadding me up like a peice of paper about to be thrown away. She began clicking. She was taking measurements. I could not keep it in anymore. With ultrasound junk still on my belly, I rolled into the fetal position and cried like I have never cried before. All she could do is say she was so sorry. I felt so sorry for her at that time. Who would want to experience that time after time? Not me!!

We went back into the doctor's office to talk with the doctor about what was going to happen now. My world was spinning. The baby had been gone for weeks. Actually, right after the last ultrasound. She was shocked that I had not had any symptoms. A procedure would be preformed in the morning. My mom arrived. We cried. We needed to go to the hospital and register. We were like robots. We did like we were told.

 I cried. I cried alot.

We arrived at the hospital and the room was FULL! We knew we had a wait in front of us. We found the only seats that were together. A lady that was waiting across from us brought me some tissues. I was very thankful. The lady beside us asked us if she could pray with us. Of course, my mom said yes! The lady started telling us that she was going to start cancer treatment. She kept telling me, "You will live! You will live!" My insides were screaming, "But my baby is dead!!" I have never wanted to punch a perfect stranger in the face before, but I sure was about to punch her. I looked at Cole and told him to shut her up, before I did. The rage and anger shocked me. Finally, she stopped. Thankfully, she stopped!

A few hours later we left the hospital with orders to be back at 5:30. We came home. The girls went to my mom's house. I was physically sick. My head was about to split. Cole begged me to eat. I ate. I cried. I slept. That night we had to prepare for the next day. I gathered the girls' clothes, blankets, stuffed animals. We went to my mom's house for dinner. I ate and tried to act like everything was alright. Ansley could see right through me.

Ansley kept asked what was wrong. Was the baby okay? I pulled her into the front room and told her that our baby was sick. Our baby was very sick and was now in the arms our Jesus. Jesus was going to take care of our baby. She was mad. She wanted to know if she was going to be able to see the baby. I told her that none of us were. She asked if she would be able to hold our baby. I told her that none of us would ever be able to do that. She wanted to know why Meme got to keep her baby and ours had to go back to be with Jesus. I could not answer that question. She cried. We cried together. It gave her comfort knowing that Jesus was going to make sure our baby was taken care of. She heard something in the other room and left. I cried even more. That was the hardest thing in the world to tell my precious four year old.

We went home, I didn't sleep. I watched the clock. I prayed that it would slow down. I held my belly wishing that I could hold my baby a little bit longer. The alarm clock went off. I cried harder. I was mad at the alarm clock. I stayed in bed and held my belly longer. Maybe, I could love this baby back. I finally made myself get up. We dressed. We arrived 30 minutes late. Neither of us cared.

They put us in the room. Everyone was nice. IV started. Procedure explained. My regular doctor came in. I cried more. She explained everything again. I held my belly, my baby. One of the nurses came in to explain my medication I was fixing to receive. She was joking around. I was ready to knock her out. Wow! There is the anger again! We made it into the O.R. and she was joking again. On the inside I was screaming at her! "Shutup! Shutup! Shutup! Shutup!" But the words would not come out of my mouth. The drugs were working. I dreamed I was being kidnapped. I remember thinking that I watch to many CSI like shows. I was out.

Everything was over and we were home by 10:30. I slept all day. Praise the Lord for those hours of sleep. No pain. No nothing. I was empty. Some friends dropped some food off. I was so relieved to see someone who had been through the same pain I was feeling. We cried together.

The girls came home the next day. I have never been so happy to see those two blonde heads and those blue eyes. I have never been so confused in my life. I was alone with my children and did not know what to do. A friend brought lunch and then it was naptime! Soon after, Cole came home and I could breath again. People came and went. I cried more and more. The girls went to bed. I took a shower and cried. I cried loud and hard. Afterward, I felt alittle better. When we finally climbed into bed, we cried more. I wondered if the crying would ever stopped.

It has been a week since all that happened. I don't have good days and bad days. I have good momments and bad momments. I have been extremely angry. I am not angry at God. I am angry when people say stupid things. I have been angry about stupid stuff, like the lady that refused to open the bathroom door.

I have been sad. I am so sad that I will never hold my sweet baby in my arms. I am sad that I will never see him walk or hear his voice. I am sad that he will never see his sisters and they will never see him.

I do know he is in heaven with Jesus. I know that for some reason we have been given this burden to carry. I hate this burden. I know my husband is the best man I have ever known. I know that God gave him to me because I needed him. He is my rock. There have been so many times that I have literally felt that I was spinning, but he calms me. He knows what I need to hear.

I have had a hard time reading my Bible, but my prayers have never been so honest or real in my life. Even without reading my Bible, the scripture keeps coming. They come from the Bible memory I did as a child, through a friend, or even a card. The Lord knows me. He knows my pain. He is with me and I am so thankful that I am not walking this road alone. He also knows our baby. He knows us by name. He knows the hairs on our heads. He feels our pain. He heals our pain.

Our baby's name is Parker Quinn Granger.
He is with Jesus and heaven has never seemed sweeter.