Thursday, January 19, 2012

It was the best of times...or so we thought

I had it all figured out (that was my first mistake). We would be pregnant by January and have our third baby before the end of 2012.

November of 2011 came around and so did the sickness. Cole looked at me and said "you have got to be kidding me!" We both knew. So much for trying. We were already pregnant. And we were beyond happy!!

Even though we knew in our hearts, I still waited a few weeks before I took a test. The test clearly showed two beautiful blue lines.
I put the test and a note on the mirror for Cole to find. It read, "Way to go Daddy-o x 3!"
All we could do is laugh and question our sanity. :)

My sister made the official announcement to our entire family that she was expecting at Thanksgiving Dinner. We told our immediate family Thanksgiving night! They, too, were shocked. A baby in June and one in July. What a busy (hot) summer we were going to have. And how exciting to be pregnant with your sister.

Finally, at 8 weeks I called the doctors and we got a beautiful clear picture of our third little miracle. That was a few weeks before Christmas. The doctor said the baby looked a little bigger than what I had calculated, but hey we had a 7 lb 15 oz baby 10 days early and a 8 lb. 14 oz. baby a week early. So we are use to big babies!!

I decided that the perfect time to tell the girls was on Christmas. We set out three beautiful stockings and on Christmas morning they were full of goodies. After the girls had dug through all their little trinkets, I pointed out that there was still one stocking hanging on the mantel.

I quickly took it down and handed it to Ansley. She pulled out the things inside. They included the beautiful ultrasound picture and a few baby toys. She was not impressed. Actually, her words were "Do we really need another baby?" She was NOT happy about it at all. That morning at Christmas service, we told a handful of people. We were very excited. I was very nervous about telling people.

Our first family picture!

It took me a few days to convince Ansley that this baby was a gift from Jesus, just like her and Charlotte. This baby wasn't MY baby, but it was OUR baby. This precious baby was already apart of our family. She loved that the baby was her baby, too. It did not take long before she was rubbing and kissing my belly. Oh how that filled me with joy.

Just the thought of three babies filled me with joy. I have always wanted to be a mommy. I always knew I wouldn't just have one or two. I wanted many children. I use to tell people that I wanted a litter. :) Now we were well on the way.

The sickness continued, but seemed to be less and less. I was happy to be entering the second trimester. I finally had some engergy and was beginning the nesting phase. This has always been my favorite phase of pregnancy. We got alot done. Closets were organized. Everything had been scrubbed. We dropped many loads at Goodwill. Those are some of my favorite things to do.

Finally, January 10th came around. I was going to hear the sound of my precious baby. Cole wasn't supposed to be at this appointment, but his schedule had cleared. We were going to hear this one together. We were so excited. We chatted with the other moms in the waiting room. Joked about having to wait so long. Talked about how we could make it Facebook official that afternoon. Marveled that I had not gained any weight. Just then the doctor walked in and the fun was to begin. Doctors appointments always give me the jitters, but today I was flat out nervous.

She placed the cold Dopler on my belly and there was nothing. She told me that was normal at this stage in pregnancy. I grew more nervous. We went to the ultrasound room. We waited. We were joking but even more nervous. She came in. She ran the machine. There was nothing. Her words were, "I see your fetus, but I am having trouble finding the heartbeat. The ultrasound tech is here. I will send you over to her and she will look. She is much better at this than I am." The machine is old and not one they use everyday.

We sat in the waiting room. Tears ran down my face. The tech came in. She is a distant cousin of mine. We chatted. Trying to stay possitive. But I knew. She looked. There was my sweet baby. But there was no sound. No flicker. No life. I began to fill empty. To feel like someone was wadding me up like a peice of paper about to be thrown away. She began clicking. She was taking measurements. I could not keep it in anymore. With ultrasound junk still on my belly, I rolled into the fetal position and cried like I have never cried before. All she could do is say she was so sorry. I felt so sorry for her at that time. Who would want to experience that time after time? Not me!!

We went back into the doctor's office to talk with the doctor about what was going to happen now. My world was spinning. The baby had been gone for weeks. Actually, right after the last ultrasound. She was shocked that I had not had any symptoms. A procedure would be preformed in the morning. My mom arrived. We cried. We needed to go to the hospital and register. We were like robots. We did like we were told.

 I cried. I cried alot.

We arrived at the hospital and the room was FULL! We knew we had a wait in front of us. We found the only seats that were together. A lady that was waiting across from us brought me some tissues. I was very thankful. The lady beside us asked us if she could pray with us. Of course, my mom said yes! The lady started telling us that she was going to start cancer treatment. She kept telling me, "You will live! You will live!" My insides were screaming, "But my baby is dead!!" I have never wanted to punch a perfect stranger in the face before, but I sure was about to punch her. I looked at Cole and told him to shut her up, before I did. The rage and anger shocked me. Finally, she stopped. Thankfully, she stopped!

A few hours later we left the hospital with orders to be back at 5:30. We came home. The girls went to my mom's house. I was physically sick. My head was about to split. Cole begged me to eat. I ate. I cried. I slept. That night we had to prepare for the next day. I gathered the girls' clothes, blankets, stuffed animals. We went to my mom's house for dinner. I ate and tried to act like everything was alright. Ansley could see right through me.

Ansley kept asked what was wrong. Was the baby okay? I pulled her into the front room and told her that our baby was sick. Our baby was very sick and was now in the arms our Jesus. Jesus was going to take care of our baby. She was mad. She wanted to know if she was going to be able to see the baby. I told her that none of us were. She asked if she would be able to hold our baby. I told her that none of us would ever be able to do that. She wanted to know why Meme got to keep her baby and ours had to go back to be with Jesus. I could not answer that question. She cried. We cried together. It gave her comfort knowing that Jesus was going to make sure our baby was taken care of. She heard something in the other room and left. I cried even more. That was the hardest thing in the world to tell my precious four year old.

We went home, I didn't sleep. I watched the clock. I prayed that it would slow down. I held my belly wishing that I could hold my baby a little bit longer. The alarm clock went off. I cried harder. I was mad at the alarm clock. I stayed in bed and held my belly longer. Maybe, I could love this baby back. I finally made myself get up. We dressed. We arrived 30 minutes late. Neither of us cared.

They put us in the room. Everyone was nice. IV started. Procedure explained. My regular doctor came in. I cried more. She explained everything again. I held my belly, my baby. One of the nurses came in to explain my medication I was fixing to receive. She was joking around. I was ready to knock her out. Wow! There is the anger again! We made it into the O.R. and she was joking again. On the inside I was screaming at her! "Shutup! Shutup! Shutup! Shutup!" But the words would not come out of my mouth. The drugs were working. I dreamed I was being kidnapped. I remember thinking that I watch to many CSI like shows. I was out.

Everything was over and we were home by 10:30. I slept all day. Praise the Lord for those hours of sleep. No pain. No nothing. I was empty. Some friends dropped some food off. I was so relieved to see someone who had been through the same pain I was feeling. We cried together.

The girls came home the next day. I have never been so happy to see those two blonde heads and those blue eyes. I have never been so confused in my life. I was alone with my children and did not know what to do. A friend brought lunch and then it was naptime! Soon after, Cole came home and I could breath again. People came and went. I cried more and more. The girls went to bed. I took a shower and cried. I cried loud and hard. Afterward, I felt alittle better. When we finally climbed into bed, we cried more. I wondered if the crying would ever stopped.

It has been a week since all that happened. I don't have good days and bad days. I have good momments and bad momments. I have been extremely angry. I am not angry at God. I am angry when people say stupid things. I have been angry about stupid stuff, like the lady that refused to open the bathroom door.

I have been sad. I am so sad that I will never hold my sweet baby in my arms. I am sad that I will never see him walk or hear his voice. I am sad that he will never see his sisters and they will never see him.

I do know he is in heaven with Jesus. I know that for some reason we have been given this burden to carry. I hate this burden. I know my husband is the best man I have ever known. I know that God gave him to me because I needed him. He is my rock. There have been so many times that I have literally felt that I was spinning, but he calms me. He knows what I need to hear.

I have had a hard time reading my Bible, but my prayers have never been so honest or real in my life. Even without reading my Bible, the scripture keeps coming. They come from the Bible memory I did as a child, through a friend, or even a card. The Lord knows me. He knows my pain. He is with me and I am so thankful that I am not walking this road alone. He also knows our baby. He knows us by name. He knows the hairs on our heads. He feels our pain. He heals our pain.

Our baby's name is Parker Quinn Granger.
He is with Jesus and heaven has never seemed sweeter.


  1. Kenan, thank you for sharing your family's story-I truly believe that the Lord is most glorified through each of our painful and traumatic experiences when we focus on Him and confess His goodness through the rain. It hurts so deeply, and yet He shows HIMself so beautifully. Praying for all of you to be wrapped up in our Comforter!

  2. Praying for you and your sweet family. I can't imagine the hurt you are feeling. One day, you will have a glorious reunion with Parker in Heaven, What a sweet day that will be when you hold him in your arms.... until then, praying for comfort for you and your family that only God can provide!

  3. I am so sorry for your loss. I can think of nothing that I can say or do to make this better, but if you can, please let me know. Prayers for you and your family continually... (Toni)

  4. Thank you so much for putting yourself out there to share your story. Your transparency is so valuable to so many other people who struggle with similar situations, but want to try to keep it to themselves. I know you are getting lots of support and I'm praying for healing to come to your heart wholly. I'll be thinking of you and your family along with your sweet baby boy.

  5. Kenan, Cole & Girls,

    We have been thinking about you and praying for your family ever since we heard of your loss. Thank you for sharing Parker's story. Our prayers for comfort will be with you.

  6. Kenan, we are praying for you and your family. I can't even begin to imagine what you guys are going through. I cried while reading this. I know God allowed this to happen for a reason even though you don't know why. Maybe to minister to someone else that this may happen to in the future. I know it is hard to hear regardless. I am praying that God will continue to comfort you, Cole, the girls and the rest of your family. I am so glad you have friends around you that have been through the same thing.